The future's a funny thing. A shifting, murky, intimidating thing. I often think about mine, and what's in store for me in the coming years.

I recently discovered a website that will take a picture you've uploaded and use computer magic to tell you what you'll look like in fifty years. Would you like to see what Shane looks like in 2059? I thought so...












Wait for it....






















I hate technology.

I think we all have them: little lists in our head of the things we want. No matter how happy and content you are with your life, there are still probably a couple of things that would make it just a little more complete.

For today's purposes, I'm not talking about "peace on earth" or "publishing a novel" or "inventing the next Heimlich Maneuver". Dreams, schemes and goals are all well and good, but this list is tangible, material possessions only.

So today, you get a peek at my most-wanted list, or at least a bit of it. Some items are going to be a little tough to get, others are more within reach. All are awesome:




The white suit John Lennon wore on the cover of "Abbey Road".





The Bluth family's stair car from "Arrested Development".





A "Star Wars" Tauntuan sleeping bag.





An American Deluxe Fender Stratocaster.





The actual setlist paper from a Coldplay concert that I attend (preferably autographed).





A gold-plated MacBook.

I don't regularly watch Craig Ferguson's show, but every now and then he will come out with a keen and clever commentary that really grabs my attention.

Please devote the next three minutes of your life to his spot-on rant on the folly of modern society's obsession with youth. Amen and amen, Craig.

Lament # 16

Three words: Swine Flu Parties.



p.s. The fact that the man pictured above appears to have a creepy face on the back of his head is in no way relevant to the post. It is just a bonus.

Now it comes to it: I am actually considering becoming a Twitter-er. For both of you out there who don't know what Twitter is, the simplest explanation is that it combines the basic idea of a blog with the brevity and immediacy of texting. For some reason, the powers-that-be chose the goofy name "Twitter" over my much classier suggestion, "Blexting".

The messages you type on Twitter are called "tweets" and you have "followers" who sign up to read your musings. You can tweet as often as you like (some people do it every five or ten minutes!) and the only limit is that your tweets cannot be longer than 140 characters.

Why Twitter, you ask? That's an excellent question. I really don't know, other than the fact that it seems kind of cool for some reason. The problem is, I'M not that interested in a lot of the day-to-day parts of my life. Why would I want to inflict that on others? For you see, the vast majority of tweets are not earth-shattering epiphanies. Most tweets tend to talk about the weather, or the selection of breakfast cereal that morning or whether Tide or Cheer made the cut at the laundromat. In other words, most tweets are really lame and really dull.

If I were to Twitter, though, please know that I would bring the spice. My tweets would be gripping, explosive and make you beg for more. Some samples of what my future tweets might be like:

"We're removing the plutonium core from the bomb right now. My partner's giving me dirty looks--I really should be using both hands for this. LOL!"

"Well, that's the eighth orphan I've pulled out of the burning building. I really hope that's all of them, because that roof could collapse at any second!"

"Things I did today: vacuumed the rug, ironed four shirts, disproved the Theory of Relativity, found that missing Gold-Toe sock behind the dryer."

"Man, I'd heard it before, but I guess you just have to experience it for yourself. Grizzly bears are strong!"

"I had to dig the bullet out of my shoulder with my own bare hands, but at least the president is OK. Shane: 1 Terrorists: 0."

Lament #84

Walking into the gym today, I saw the same car circle the parking lot three times looking for the absolutely closest space possible.