You can't watch TV for two minutes or go to more than two websites without seeing an ad for the new Watchmen superhero movie. Seriously, this thing is EVERYWHERE. As I watched an ad the other night and observed the variety of latex, rubber, goggles, blue paint, etc. that are requisite for any self-respecting superhero's wardrobe, I got to thinking. If I were a superhero, what would I be? Would I use my powers for good or evil? What would my name be? How would I dress? A few suggestions:

HEROES

Captain Good
Most heroes are named after critters (bats, spiders, wolverines), or their abilities (super, wonder, green). One option for me would be to just have a generic, catch-all name and be a generic, catch-all kind of hero. With Captain Good, you're getting a nice, plain vanilla guy who's just out to do you a solid. He probably won't swoop in and catch you as you plunge from a skyscraper, or use his freezing breath to put out your electrical fire, but he will vacuum your carpets while you're out and replace your Glade Plug-Ins. And at the end of the day, which dire situation do you think more people need saving from: being held captive by a super villain at the top of the Statue of Liberty, or forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning on Saturday night? Citizens everywhere will sleep just a little more soundly knowing that Captain Good, clad in his white J.C. Penney shirt and pleated Dockers, is on the prowl.

Other possible hero identities:

The Swab
Six feet, two inches of soft cottony goodness. Blots out evil with his absorbent yet fluffy head. The bane of filthy ear canals everywhere.

Gun Show Glen
Always clad in an orange vest, camouflage, green plaid and a mesh John Deere hat that is the source of his power. This bearded tower of Red State power battles every day against the forces that want to take away your rights to automatic weapons, swollen bellies and smelling like jerky.

Other heroic identities I considered and discarded:

The Taffy Puller
The Baconator (name was already taken!)
Mister Right Now
& (also known as Ampersand)


VILLAINS:

The Incredible Sulk
Not really very dangerous. Just sits around in his room and throws his shoes at the door. His weaknesses include Cocoa Puffs, hugs, and newly hatched baby chicks.

Dr. Psoriasis
Causes itchy feelings and occasional flakiness in all he comes in contact with. Can only be defeated by his arch-nemesis, Captain Corticosteroid.

Other evil identities I considered and discarded:

Damaged Goods
The Unwelcome Masseuse
Potty Mouth
Puppy Kicker
The Nubbin


Try it for yourself - it's fun! Please also note that for some reason many superhero names would also make great punk band names.