Remember, remember, the month of November? If you do, you’re in an ever-dwindling minority. Sorry kids, but daddy has some sad news: November has been swallowed and messily digested by December. That’s right: November is kaput.

November’s descent into oblivion began not so many years ago. Though still on the sunny side of 30, I remember when I felt kind of funny/guilty when we started putting up Christmas decorations the first week of December. It just seemed a little early, like we were doing something wrong. Surely the half-life of a Christmas tree should tell you when it’s appropriate to begin making your days merry and bright. I wasn’t alone in the shame of my PMS: Premature Merrymaking Syndrome. Retailers dutifully waited until the day after Thanksgiving to begin their holiday markdowns on Rainbow Brite and Castle Grayskull. Grocery stores and radio stations were still proudly broadcasting Pat Benetar and the Cure well past Black Friday.

All of that has changed. As of 2007, I sadly announce the death of the month of November. At 11:59 on October 31, just as you’re cursing and turning away the last of the too-old trick-or-treaters, the clock turns over to December 1. Pumpkins instantly burst into holly wreaths. Fully lit and decorated Christmas trees erupt in living rooms. The shrieks of little ghouls and goblins segue into off-key carols and season’s greetings. The nauseating stench of peace and goodwill towards men fouls the air.

“Must it be so?” you ask. “Yes!” say my coworkers as Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree drifts over from their desks on Veteran’s Day. “Yes!” cries The Guy Down The Street as he hoists a wreath the size of Sputnik to his roof two days after Halloween. “Yes!” proclaims my server at the Olive Garden as she plunks down holiday-themed mints with my check on 11/5.

Godspeed, November. You had a good run.

There are only two people left in this country without blogs: me, and an elderly Des Moines widow with Parkinson's. Well, sorry Enid, but you just got owned! Maybe the Rotary Club's giving out "What's the Interweb?" awards this year.

So the bandwagon's been jumped on, the waters have been tested, and the day has come. The posts that follow will offer the daring (and pitying?) reader glimpses and insights into my brain--my awesome, awesome brain. I promise nothing but pure, undiluted "knowings" as they ooze and seep from the deepest coffers of my mind. Consider yourself warned and welcome...