You can't watch TV for two minutes or go to more than two websites without seeing an ad for the new Watchmen superhero movie. Seriously, this thing is EVERYWHERE. As I watched an ad the other night and observed the variety of latex, rubber, goggles, blue paint, etc. that are requisite for any self-respecting superhero's wardrobe, I got to thinking. If I were a superhero, what would I be? Would I use my powers for good or evil? What would my name be? How would I dress? A few suggestions:

HEROES

Captain Good
Most heroes are named after critters (bats, spiders, wolverines), or their abilities (super, wonder, green). One option for me would be to just have a generic, catch-all name and be a generic, catch-all kind of hero. With Captain Good, you're getting a nice, plain vanilla guy who's just out to do you a solid. He probably won't swoop in and catch you as you plunge from a skyscraper, or use his freezing breath to put out your electrical fire, but he will vacuum your carpets while you're out and replace your Glade Plug-Ins. And at the end of the day, which dire situation do you think more people need saving from: being held captive by a super villain at the top of the Statue of Liberty, or forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning on Saturday night? Citizens everywhere will sleep just a little more soundly knowing that Captain Good, clad in his white J.C. Penney shirt and pleated Dockers, is on the prowl.

Other possible hero identities:

The Swab
Six feet, two inches of soft cottony goodness. Blots out evil with his absorbent yet fluffy head. The bane of filthy ear canals everywhere.

Gun Show Glen
Always clad in an orange vest, camouflage, green plaid and a mesh John Deere hat that is the source of his power. This bearded tower of Red State power battles every day against the forces that want to take away your rights to automatic weapons, swollen bellies and smelling like jerky.

Other heroic identities I considered and discarded:

The Taffy Puller
The Baconator (name was already taken!)
Mister Right Now
& (also known as Ampersand)


VILLAINS:

The Incredible Sulk
Not really very dangerous. Just sits around in his room and throws his shoes at the door. His weaknesses include Cocoa Puffs, hugs, and newly hatched baby chicks.

Dr. Psoriasis
Causes itchy feelings and occasional flakiness in all he comes in contact with. Can only be defeated by his arch-nemesis, Captain Corticosteroid.

Other evil identities I considered and discarded:

Damaged Goods
The Unwelcome Masseuse
Potty Mouth
Puppy Kicker
The Nubbin


Try it for yourself - it's fun! Please also note that for some reason many superhero names would also make great punk band names.

Today you get some original poetry about that most obnoxious of months, the one in whose vile clutches we currently find ourselves. Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes fame once called February "the armpit of the year". Well said, sir. Well said.


Ode to February

Two fortnights in length, so unspeakably bleak
Each hour's a day, each day seems a week
The land stricken and barren, the air frigid and raw
Viscous and vicious, still awaiting Spring's thaw

A fell shadow lies ever, o'er skies never blue
The world robed in ashes, steel winter's grey hue
Release me! I cry, from this impenetrable shroud
One sliver of light, one respite from cloud

Never! you hiss from your dark glacial soul
Most cursed of months, you've exacted your toll
Of my humanity, sanity, thou villain most arch
But your reign's finally ended, come the first day of March


Let's all say it together now: February sucks!

Is it just me, or is everyone sick? I know it's that time of year and all, but right now it's different, somehow. People that I usually can count on as stalwarts of unassailable health have fallen ill. Disgustingly, drippingly ill. I myself have not been immune, having to call in sick yesterday for the first time in a long, long time.

I hate calling in sick. I hate the confinement of the house that I come to loathe as the hours slowly pass. I hate knowing that e-mails are stacking up in a quivering electronic pile, those little beige envelopes glowing accusingly at me when I finally go back to work. I hate getting that same guilty feeling I got in fifth grade when I would exaggerate a cough to my mom in order to stay in bed with Coke, saltines and Calvin & Hobbes books. But most of all, I hate what my mind does when I stay home sick.

As I lay in bed yesterday, staring up at the ceiling and wondering when death's sweet embrace would come, I started thinking about my life. My fevered brain started going through all the things that have happened over the years. People I've known, stuff that I've done, feelings I've acted and not acted on. I began to ask myself THE QUESTIONS. You know what they are:

Is this it? Is this where I wanted my life to be at this point? What should I/could I have done differently? Is this, to quote Jack Nicholson, as good as it gets?

The answer I gave myself was surprising, yet very Shane-like: yes and no. As always, I could see both sides of the issue. I have a good life; a great wife, supportive family and friends, a solid career. But I also felt like I wasn't quite there yet. It seems like there are a few more of life's sweet fruits that I'm still not picking.

I don't usually get all introspective in my blog, but here it is: I'm going to turn up the awesome in my life. It's not a new year's resolution - it's a new life resolution. Things are pretty good, but I know they can be truly great. It's all in here. I'm going to try new things, have more adventures, and cram more living into life. Interesting what a not-really-so-near-death experience will do to you. Wish me luck.

I've been bitten by the year-end list bug, and decided to post some "top threes" of the stuff that I read, listened to and watched in '08. Here we go:

Top Three Books Read in 2008


1. The Road by Cormac McCarthy
It's not for everyone. It's bleak, haunting, and almost heartbreaking at times. But few books I've ever read have affected me so much or stayed with me so long. You will never quite be the same after reading this. My favorite book by one of my favorite authors.

2. World War Z by Max Brooks
At the opposite end of the spectrum from the previous book, this one is one of the most fun, escapist reads I've had in a long while. Completely fictitious, but almost completely plausible. Just good, clean zombie fun.

3. Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond
I finally got around to reading this one. An absolutely fascinating look at the development of human societies, and why history has unfolded the way it has. For example: have you ever wondered why the Europeans conquered and colonized the Americas, rather than the other way around?

Top Three Albums of 2008


1. Viva la Vida by Coldplay
Not much more I can say here than that all the hype is true. The greatest album of 2008. Period. I saw these guys in concert last month, and they ran up into the seats and played an acoustic set ten feet from us. Surreal doesn’t begin to describe it.

2. Tie between The Glass Passenger by Jack’s Mannequin and Day & Age by The Killers
Two bands that just seem to get better with each album. Both just have a knack for sweet, sweet melody. Love it.

3. Prospekt’s March EP by Coldplay
I know, I know – more Coldplay. But have you listened to this? This mini-album gets more musical ideas across in 25 minutes than most bands do in a full length or double album.

Top Three Movies of 2008


1. The Dark Knight
Finally: a comic book movie that doesn’t feel like a comic book. No superpowers, no magical creatures, just a great story and great acting. Heath Ledger went out on top.

2. Wall-E
Only Pixar could make a love story with nearly mute robots as the leads and make it work, and work beautifully. I admit to getting a tear in my eye as Wall-E and Eve circled each other around the ship as the computer described what “dancing” was. Pure poetry.

3. Twilight
Just kidding. I was forced to sit through this disaster, and pointedly remarked to Riley that we could have just sat at the mall and watched teenagers make lustful eyes at each other for two hours and saved twenty bucks. That is ALL that happens in this movie. The dude is a vampire, too, I guess. It also didn't help that I was apparently far too old and far too male to enjoy this film in a theater filled with squealing fourteen-year-old girls.

Working 30 miles from where I live means I get to participate the daily commute, something I'd heard a lot of griping about but never experienced until now. I don't know if this is common knowledge or not, but it turns out there are a lot of crappy drivers in Utah. I know! It was a shock to me too. Someone had to finally say it.

On my commute, I get to witness first-hand what mankind, that sparkling pinnacle of evolution, is capable of when behind the wheel of several thousand pounds of rapidly moving steel and glass. The following near-death experience just happened last week, and is in no way embellished or exaggerated:

The driver of a truck towing a giant horse trailer apparently didn't think it was worth bothering to make sure the trailer was attached properly when he started out that morning. I was 15 feet from this conscientious individual when the trailer attachment popped off the hitch at 70 mph and started digging a furrow in the asphalt. This sent off a ten-foot high shower of sparks and metal chips that peppered my paint and windshield while the trailer swayed ominously back and forth, held only by the safety chain. Adrenaline surging through my veins, I swerved into the carpool lane and sped around the disaster, watching in my rear view mirror to see if the driver could slow down and pull over before the trailer flipped (he did). My windshield and fender are now cratered with a series of cracks and chips, but frankly I'm just grateful to be alive.

I briefly considered going back and demanding his insurance information, but something told me that the kind of people who tow giant, scary horse trailers are often the kind of people who carry giant, scary guns. It was already clearly not this dude's day, and I decided I didn't want to see myself on the six o'clock news.

Perhaps in the future I'll share with you the terrifying, too true tale of the tailgating, texting teenage girl...

It's that time of year again. The air is crisp and smells of autumn leaves, it's getting dark earlier, and it's almost time to vote. As a registered independent, I tend to send a fair amount of snark towards candidates from both parties. Republicans and Democrats are known to do/say a fairly equal amount of stupid stuff, and I often have a hard time deciding who I like less.

This year feels a little different, though, and unless he punches a fawn or gets caught wearing "I Heart Osama" underpants, I think Mr. Obama is going to get my vote. Here are some (admittedly shallow) reasons you should Barack the vote in '08 as well:

Let's be real: do you want a guy who looks like a reanimated corpse running the country?

Sarah Palin, in the grand tradition of such illuminated minds as George W. Bush, believes that we should keep nookyoolar weapons out of the hands of terrorists. Seriously, I know English can be tricky, but this one is actually spelled like it sounds!

McCain=Lord of the Zombies. I cannot stress it enough.

Of the two major party candidates, only Obama seems to be able to actually fully turn towards his opponent and refer to him by name. Is it really so tough, Johnny? He ain't go' bite ya.

"McCain" almost rhymes with "I eat brains". I am not making this up, guys.

Sarah Palin is somehow capable of spending $150,000 of campaign contributions on a new wardrobe, but can't afford a $19.95 hardbound copy of a salon style guide that contains more than one hairdo option.

This picture:



Obama knows how many houses he owns: 1. McCain will need to get back to you on that. That sells really well in an economy-focused election, Mr. Maverick.

A vote for John McCain is a vote for utter and total annihilation by the unspeakable armies of the damned. Did I mention that yet?