Lament #94

IHOP Chicken and Waffles. I tried to imagine the hierarchy of lavishly compensated executives who had to buy off on this at multiple levels and I got too depressed.

Witness:

Lament #241

One part of my job is to direct photo shoots for my company's catalogs, magazines, etc. During a location shoot at a lush public garden, my crew and I set up a table with some expensive facial creams on a decorative tablecloth. We then moved 30-40 feet away to take a different shot, intending to shoot the creams next.

Three fifty-ish women were strolling through the garden, saw our little table, and walked right up to it. Despite the fact that a camera crew was within shouting distance and very obviously taking pictures of products, these women proceeded to open the creams, smear them on their faces and then WIPE THEIR GREASY HANDS ON THE TABLECLOTH. They then walked away, certainly smelling a bit more fragrant for their efforts, but taking yet another piece of my ever-shrinking faith in mankind with them.

Riley took this great pic of my little buddy getting his giggle on. It seemed somehow familiar to me, so I did a bit of searching on the internet to see if I could figure out where I had seen something like this before. Turns out I had:

Sawyer William Smith is here. He was born on May 3, weighed 6 1/2 pounds and was 18 inches long. In my informed and completely unbiased opinion, he's one of the cutest babies...ever. I will permit no disputations.

For your consideration:

About to head to the hospital.

How did this happen to me? Where did those 9 months go? How much underwear should I pack? What if the kid's not cute? Will he need braces? I hope he goes to junior prom. There's no way he's living with me after thirty. Make that twenty. Maybe his first word will be "awesome". Please let him be cute. Other assorted pre-parental panicked thoughts...

Lament #26

Paramount Pictures has passed on financing Anchorman 2, but just greenlit a movie based on The Magic 8 Ball toy. I'm in a glass case of emotion just thinking about it.

Much as I adore the written word, it does have its limitations. The tone and nuance of speech can make the same statement have VERY different meanings, and is something that can never be properly conveyed on the page or screen. Until now.

Enter the enterprising minds behind the SarcMark. These punctuation pioneers have created the solution to every snide writer's dilemma. Want to ensure that your readers (even the slow ones) grasp the gasp-worthy grandeur of your wit and snark? Simply toss a SarcMark at the end of the phrase and instant comprehension is your reward. $1.99 was never better spent.

As you can never have too many on hand, I've bought 4,000 of these so far. That ought to last the month, I think. Maybe I should make it 5,000...

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, you get a bit of (possibly sappy) verse. By "you", I mean Riley. Love you, B.G.


(Love) Can Be

Can be chilling, can be heat
Can be acrid, can be sweet

Can be mourning, can be dance
Can be timid, can be chance

Can be flowing, can be trickle
Can be faithful, can be fickle

Can be when, can be where
Can be touch, can be stare

Can be spoken, can be hushed
Can be stagnant, can be rushed

Can be able, can be lame
Can be hubris, can be shame

Can be tumult, can be stable
Can be gospel, can be fable

Can be brilliant, can be dim
Can be her, can be him

Can be lucid, can be pall
Can be never, can be all

I promise this isn't turning into a television blog, though you'd never know it by the last few posts. I honestly don't even watch very much T.V. Those shows I do watch, however, seem to be getting quite a bit of news of late. Which brings us to the latest dearly departed show that I loved: Conan O'Brien's.

I'm not going to rehash all the NBC/Leno drama, which I'm sure everyone is as sick to death of as I am. The bottom line is that television has (at least temporarily) lost one of its greatest talents. Conan is one of the funniest and most brilliant people on the planet, and it's a shame he was never given the chance to really find his groove on The Tonight Show.

Not just a funny man, but a class act as well, Conan took some time on tonight's show (his last) to say a few words to his fans. Here's what the pasty Irishman decided was the best thing to leave his viewers with before jamming to "Freebird" with Will Ferrell:

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. . . Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

Not a bad thought, Coco. Not bad at all.


p.s.

As a bonus to tonight's post, and to ease the sting a bit, you get an amazing clip from Conan's late night show. Enjoy.

How awesome is Lost, which will come to an end this year after six twisty, brilliant seasons? Lost is so awesome that the president is scheduling his State of the Union speech around the final season's premiere. That, friends, is how awesome this show is.

A moment of silence, please.

Thank you. The two New Zealanders behind one of the quirkiest, cleverest and funniest shows in television history have pulled the plug on their creation. Bret and Jemaine, who play Bret and Jemaine (respectively) on their show announced today that there will not be a third season of Flight of the Conchords.

Fellow FOTC fans will understand my sadness and share my grief. For the rest of you, this clip is but the minutest sample of the low-fi goodness that was Flight of the Conchords. Lament with me, brothers and sisters--our great series is dead.

Five months from today, my world (and possibly the world at large--you never know) is going to be irrevocably changed. You see, Riley and I have decided to take the good book's counsel to "be fruitful and multiply" literally and have bought an orchard in central Washington state.

Just kidding. We're having a baby.

Yup, I've created my replacement. On or around May 3rd of next year, the miracle of birth and all its accompanying yuckyness will take place in the Smith house (or a hospital, preferably). There are few times in your life when you experience 27 different emotions at once, but hearing your wife say "Well, it's positive," from the bathroom at 6 a.m. is definitely one of them.

What kind of dad will I be, you ask? If my performance as an uncle is any indication at all, then I will be eminently awesome. At least that's what I keep telling myself, because seriously, what else can I do at this point?

I would say my feelings toward fatherhood fall under the auspices of "cautiously optimistic". I'm excited, but yikes! A completely helpless, amazing, writhing, beautiful, pungent, adorable, expensive, cuddly, lachrymose miniature human is going to come screaming (pun probably intended) into my life. And the little guy/gal will be totally dependent on me (and Riley a little, I suppose).

It's going to be a wild ride, but I think I can handle it. C'mon, parenthood: show me what you've got!

I was trying to watch the trailer for the upcoming Twilight movie the other day (don't ask why--it had something to do with Riley), and I noticed an interesting and alarming new phenomenon. After I clicked on the trailer link, a message popped up to tell me that I needed to watch a short message from Downy before my video would play.

Irritated, I went back to the original page and tried it again. This time Cover Girl needed thirty seconds of my life before I could access the video. I tried going back and re-clicking one more time: Microsoft. Several other websites forced the same thing on me. Disgusted, I slammed the laptop forcefully shut and threw it from me.

Is this what we've come to? In order to watch what is, when it comes down to it, an advertisement for a film, we now must watch ANOTHER ad to earn it. Really? The logic (and implications) of this are mind-boggling.

Later, as I pondered this and browsed the "new laptops" section of Amazon, I thought about the movie I went to this summer that had 24(!) minutes of ads and previews before the movie started. I paid full price for the film, which means I actually spent money to watch almost a half-hour of advertisements. I spent even more if you count all the blatant product placements in the film. There's no giant remote in the movie theater to switch the screen over to another channel.

These are just two more examples of ad creep infiltrating our lives. It's only going to get worse, I'm afraid. Maybe I should just give up and become like this guy. It's where the world seems to be going anyway.

One of the perks of my Inside Redbox gig is that I have a forum to occasionally broadcast my opinion to a fairly large audience. This last week, I put up a rant about the declining sales of movies on disc and why I think that's happening. A few of you might be interested in this topic, so here's the editorial in its entirety:

It’s no secret that the DVD retail industry is in trouble. Disc sales have posted double-digit declines this year, and studios are panicked and looking around for a scapegoat. I want to discuss one bright spot in all the gloom: rentals. As we have discussed in earlier posts, while sales of discs have been dropping, rentals are up.

Despite a prolonged recession that has stifled most other sectors, box office receipts are actually on track to beat last year’s. This, combined with the uptick in rentals suggests a simple fact: people are still WATCHING movies, they just don’t want to OWN them anymore.

The following reasons help offer an explanation, in my opinion, of why the viewing public (myself included) has lost much of its interest in purchasing movies. Whether you agree, disagree or think of additional reasons that I don’t mention, let us know your opinion in the comments. Here we go:

Renting Just Makes More Sense
In the early 2000s, I went to work building my DVD library with vigor. Each Sunday I would scan the ad inserts in the paper from Best Buy and Circuit City to see which movies were coming out on disc and were “on sale” for $15-$18. More often than not, I would buy several of them. Looking back now, I have no idea why.

Of the several hundred movies I own or have owned on DVD, there are maybe a dozen I’ve watched enough times to justify their purchase price. I try not to think about how much I would have saved if I’d had my current “enlightened” attitude towards renting in my misspent youth. Unless I absolutely LOVE a film I’ve seen in theaters or rented and know I’ll rewatch it over the years, it’s just not worth the price of the DVD (or Blu-ray now). Only three or four movies a year make that cut, and my wallet is all the heavier for the (belated) triumph of reason in my movie-watching habits.

TV has Upped its Game
I’m not talking about The Hills, five nights of primetime Jay Leno a week (Seriously, NBC? FIVE nights?) or other disasters.

No, I’m talking about The Sopranos, The Wire, Lost, Mad Men and other outstanding shows of the last ten years or so. These are well-written, well-acted cinematic shows with a scope and production values previously only seen in films. While there have always been a few excellent serial dramas on TV, the last decade has seen the blurring of the silver screen and the small screen in a big way. Discerning television viewers now expect more from their favorite shows, and much of the magical “movie-ness” of feature films has worn off as superior fare has been created for TV. The result is that many, many Hollywood films now pale in comparison to the best television shows in recent memory. Why buy DVDs when you already have access to often-superior entertainment through your cable or dish?

Quantity over Quality
Now we come to it, the real reason why most movies today aren’t worth owning: they suck. One of the most frequent comments made on this website is that people don’t feel like plunking down their hard-earned cash to buy the crap films studios are churning out. And churning them out, they are. According to the MPAA, the number of films released domestically last year climbed to 610. 610!

An amazing film is a rare thing: a perfect storm where a great story, visionary director, talented actors and crew and supportive studio execs come together to create something truly outstanding. Such films don’t come along that often, and studios are businesses, with employees to pay and investors to satisfy. Thus they have to take a “more is more” approach to pay the bills, cranking out sequels, remakes and other formulaic drivel to make payroll and keep the lights on. Out of the ten highest-grossing films of all time, EIGHT of them are sequels or prequels. Risk is expensive, and in most cases a studio will go with a proven and/or cheap commodity, whether or not it’s the right choice “artistically”. The result is a bloated release slate, with only the occasional film worth the expense of purchasing.

What really bothers me, though, is that the public often rewards studios’ indifference to quality by making this behavior profitable. If I’m a studio exec who wants to keep my job and my cushy lifestyle, I’m going to greenlight the projects that get the most “bang for the buck”. Why spend several hundred million on a lavish period piece or compelling drama when I can toss out $26 million for Paul Blart: Mall Cop and watch it earn more than $180 million? There’s a reason why we get an endless parade of Scary Movie/Tyler Perry/Meet the Spartans-type pablum: they’re cheap and people pay to see them. They don’t appear nearly as interested, however, in owning them when the time comes. (Why people pay cinema prices to see those movies in the first place is a debate for another day.) Perhaps if potential DVD buyers felt that they had higher quality options, they’d be more willing to part with their cash. It might hurt studios at the front end, but there could be some serious payoff at the back end.

Even in tough financial times, people will pay to own a product they perceive is offering them value. Until Hollywood figures that out, Netflix, VOD and Redbox will continue to benefit from my (and your) buyer’s apathy. That, Insiders, is why we rent.

As you may know, I do a fair amount of freelance work, which if nothing else has taught me that there is always a market for snark. I recently started a new gig that I think is pretty cool.

Some of you may have heard of/visited Inside Redbox. This is the top online community site for Redbox users across the country. It has all the latest Redbox info: news, codes, new releases, etc. It's a cool site, and has gotten pretty popular over the last few years.

Back to me. Last week I was hired on to be the site's writer. Now, if you just can't get enough of me here, mosey on down to Inside Redbox and read my latest movie world-related postings. Heck, even if you can't stand me or my scribblings (and I don't blame you a bit if that's the case), head over there anyway because it's such a great site.

The Beatles were the very first band that I really got into. I mean REALLY got into. When the last great wave of Beatlemania swept the nation fifteen years ago with the release of the Anthology albums and movies, my young teenage mind was exploded by how "cool" their old school sound still was and what amazing songwriters they were. My room was soon plastered with posters of the Liverpool lads in the crosswalk in front of Abbey Road studios, I bought A Hard Day's Night and Help! on VHS and I spent my limited funds buying up EVERY Beatles album ever released.

In a few days, on 9/9/09, Beatlemania comes back once again. All of the albums have been lovingly remastered and will be re-released in sparkling digital clarity. This, of course means I'm going to have to drop another two hundred bucks on songs I already own, just because they're going to sound a little bit sweeter and smoother. The crazy thing is, I don't mind a bit.

If you're not a Beatles fan, now's the time to dip your toe in the water, and then you'll understand. These guys truly deserved all the hype and fame and (over)exposure. Their songs helped shape rock and roll from the sixties through the present day, and they are just as catchy, melodic and brilliant as they were forty-odd years ago.

All apologies to Viva la Vida, Achtung Baby, Dark Side of the Moon, Who's Next and the rest, but none of them can touch Abbey Road's perfection as an album. Sgt. Pepper, Revolver and the White Album aren't far behind.

So if you already appreciate the Fab Four like I do, I'll see you in line on Wednesday. If not, use this chance to add "Hey Jude", "Come Together" and "A Day in the Life" to the soundtrack of your life. Your ears will thank you.

I adore razor-sharp writing that can make you laugh a little and cry a little at the same time. This spot-on satirical video from The Onion does exactly that.

The subject of the discussion is absolutely ridiculous (and hilarious), but many of the panel's comments are paraphrasing points actually made by pundits during recent ethical debates about torture. So scarily close to the truth that it's funny, or is it the other way around?


Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

Lament #202

Tens of millions are unemployed, banks are failing, the economy's on life support, we're mired in two fantastically bloody and expensive wars and this is currently the most popular article on Time.com. Really, humanity?

I've made a huge mistake. And I know of no better venue to discreetly reveal my errors than the cozy intimacy of the world wide web. Here's the deal:

We recently upgraded to a nice big plasma TV, and part of the deal that I got on it was that it came with a Blu-ray player. I'd been looking at getting one for a while, so this seemed like a great time to take the plunge. (Cue ominous music)

Blu-rays on a huge HD screen are an epiphany. After we finished The Dark Knight the other day, I just sat and wept at the beauty of it all. After watching a hi-def movie on a hi-def TV, I can finally say it: we are now living in the future.

"What's the problem, then?" you are probably asking right about now. It's simple: once you've tasted the sweet sweet digital nectar that is Blu-ray, all of your regular DVDs look like crap. I look at the collection that was perfectly awesome last week, and I don't want to have anything to do with it now. And since Blu-rays still cost $10 or $15 more apiece than regular DVDs, I won't be switching my entire collection over anytime soon. This is the part where you start feeling sorry for me.

It's like buying a Ferrari and discovering every road's a work zone. It's like going to Ruth's Chris and just eating a roll. It's what it must feel like to be Chuck Norris every day.

It's really true what they say: once you go Blu, you never go back. Learn from my fate, and consider yourself warned.




Now for today's INTERESTING SCIENCE FACT: The above image is not Photoshopped--there really are blue lobsters. Don't believe me? Go get your Wiki on.

Just got back from another epic camping trip. I have now washed away the stink of nature and reacquainted myself with my precious cell phone and laptop. Is it wrong to love inanimate objects slightly more than a pet and slightly less than a sibling? Just askin'.

As always, camping was a great time to learn valuable lessons that aren't to be had anywhere else. I present the following DOs and DON'Ts in the hopes that my time in the woods can be as enlightening for you as it was for me.

DO take time to appreciate the little things: singing birds, the wind whistling through the pines, the frigid embrace of the rocky ground as your air mattress gradually deflates during the night.

DON'T bother even trying to wear deodorant on a three-day camping trip. When it's matched against the smell of burnt marshmallows, sunscreen, sweat, Deep Woods Off, campfire smoke, river fish and kerosene, do you really think Right Guard stands a chance? Please.

DO resist the urge to savagely murder your in-laws when they start laughing and chatting at 6:30 a.m. in their tent pitched four feet from yours.

DON'T become too attached to your brand-new waders. They will be punctured by a hidden stick .5 miles into your three-mile hike and slowly fill with icy water the rest of the afternoon. The laws of the universe decree it must be so.

DO realize that a common brown trout is smarter than a college-educated human being and will mockingly swim in circles as you pass your carefully tied fly over his head again and again.